My Wandering Soul

I have found myself "floating" around on social media lately thinking about what many others have thought before me..."Doesn't their life look easy. Did I really need to know that? Oh look...another vacation. They really have it all together." Can you see where I am going with this? I find myself longing for days that belong to someone else.  I see their happy kids on a day when mine are struggling. I see their beautiful vacations in a season where we can't afford one. I see them all smiling when I want to cry. 
I am not writing this because I am depressed or unusually sad, but I am finding that it has been easy for me fall into the trap of longing for the things that I don't have. This is a repetitious pattern that appears in my life when I am not Trusting the God that I love. It happens when I try to fill a void in my life with "things" and not Him. It happens when I drift away from reading His Word and fill my head with nonsense. As a mom with four young kids I find that I am very aware of this cycle in my life.  I am not in denial about my lack of time with the Lord, but I have found just about every excuse in the book as to why I don't have time for the one thing that is most important for me.
At breakfast yesterday morning I had a conversation with my kids at the table. They were all saying how hungry they were, actually they were doing more whining than talking. I told them that the Bible tells us that the Word of God is life for us. I told them that their physical bodies need food, but that true life and food for our souls comes only from Gods Word. As hungry as we can be, we need God's Word more than we need breakfast! In John chapter 6 verse 35 Jesus says, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." Later in the chapter He says in verse 51, "If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh."  
After this conversation great conviction fell on my shoulders.  Have you ever had mommy moments like this? I am trying to teach them a very important lesson and the Holy Spirit seems to put the right scripture on my lips. It felt like a great teaching moment. But then I feel the conviction of my own words. I hear the voice in my head saying, "You hypocrite, how can you teach that to your children when its been weeks since you have fed yourself with Gods Word?"
The Holy Spirit is speaking quite clearly to my own heart through the lesson that was meant for my children.
I have nothing against social media or television, in fact I enjoy both. The reason that I have been falling into the trap of longing for other things is simply because I am not feeding myself the "bread of life." In Luke 4:16 Jesus is being tempted by the devil and says to him, "It is written, "Man shall not live by bread alone."  When Jesus was tempted by the devil it was Gods Word that he used in the battle. Jesus himself was and is the very Word of God. Everyday is filled with distractions that tempt us to pull away from God. Everyday we fight the battle that is against our fleshly desires. I have been trying to live on bread alone. Although I am "alive" and my body appears healthy and strong...my soul is starving.
If I want to be the wife that God has created and designed me to be I need to be feeding myself the bread of life not just the bread that fills my stomach. If I am going to be the example of a godly and humble mother to my children I need to be feeding myself the bread of life. I have been feeling weak for some time. I have been focusing on my house and my children. I have been shopping for too many "extras" on grocery day. I have been trying to fill my calendar to establish purpose for my day.  I have been doing all of these things to try and bring or "create" joy in my life. I have been desperately trying to create purpose where I feel like there is none.
I am a sinner saved by grace. I am in desperate need of a Savior. In my weakness I know that He is strong. And I know that my only true joy is in Him.  All of this to say to moms like me and anyone else who is striving to fill a void or create purpose where there seems to be none...Christ is enough. A song that we sing at our church on Sunday mornings says,
Christ is enough for me
Christ is enough for me
Everything I need is in You
Everything I need 
I think it is very easy for moms to fall into the trap that their lives are in need of a greater purpose. It is easy to become hyper focused on a million different things. But as moms we really need to be mission minded. Our children are our mission. As Erin Davis says, "They are an unreached people group." Someone needs to teach them about Jesus. I need to first take care of my own soul and then pour out the love of Christ to my husband and children in my home. This is an extraordinary purpose given to me by God. And it is more important than many of the other things I am using to fill my time.
It is easy to fall into the trap that He isn't enough. At the end of each day I find myself being pulled back again by my loving Savior. When you belong to Him you can't sit in your trap for too long because He is always there to gently and lovingly lift you out. 
Be encouraged that I am not perfect and neither are you...but we have a God who is and always has been perfect! A God who sacrificed His Son for miserable sinners like us.  A God who loves us enough to show us when we need to come back to Him. And not only shows us but guides back our wandering souls..."Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path..." Psalm 119:105